The Nose Puncher

1. First Hearing in an Alternative Dimension Nonplussed, I looked at the panel of three hovering above me. The Chairman looked exactly as He had been depicted by Michelangelo: heavy set, energetic and very much in command. His eyes, though, were kindly and a ghost of a twinkle was discernible. The adjudicator sitting to His right wore the uniform of a judge of the Court of Appeal, including a wig; his tall and gaunt figure commanded respect and his solemn expression and demeanour made me shiver. My lifelong friend, Theophil, was sitting to the Chairman’s left. As I turned my eyes to him, he winked, as if to say: “Don’t worry, Peter’le.” ...

1. Meeting Eve An adherence to the chronological order seemed a safe procedure. Accordingly, I went back to the origin. Eve was an attractive woman in her mid-thirties. Initially, she was startled by our appearance but soon viewed the tiger with admiration. Theophil had shrunk him to the size of a Burmese cat. Having stroked him affectionately, she turned to me: “He is adorable. But who are you? What brings you here?” ...

1. Assessment of First Performance Archie and Moti welcomed Tiger and me back into the fold. Moti, though, expressed a reservation. “Peter’le, why didn’t you explain things to Eve before you punched her?” “I thought it best to proceed without delay.” “But then you needed Lord Pan’s help!” “Moti is right: it was your mission, Peter’le. So why the need for help?” volunteered Archie. “But Theophil did not appear until after the mission had been completed. You see, Archie, he did not intervene. He simply helped me to explain. Actually, there was no need to elucidate. By right I was entitled to withdraw the instant I delivered the punch. In the worst case, Eve would have remained puzzled!” ...

(484 – 425 BCE) 1. The Punch Archie and I materialised in a market place in Thurii – an Athenian colony during the fifth century BCE. It was a sunny late spring day. Sicily was warm but the light breeze made the heat bearable. Recalling his own days in Syracuse, Archie looked around him with satisfaction. He felt at home. A tall man, with a balding head and long beard, was surrounded by a group of eager listeners. He was telling them details of the wars between Persia and Greece, referring to the courage of the Spartans at the Thermopylae and the heroics of the Greek navy in Salamis. His voice fell and rose as he talked; and members of the audience applauded whenever he narrated the end of an event. ...

1. Analysing and Discussing Anachronism Tiger and Moti welcomed us back enthusiastically. Moti was relieved to find his friend in good shape and unharmed. Giving vent to his joy, he trumpeted. Tiger brushed against Archie’s toga and my slacks. Then, bursting with curiosity, he asked me to tell them all about our venture. When I completed my narration, Tiger raised a point that had baffled him. Archie must have been aware that Herodotus had lived before his time. Why then had he expected the historian to be familiar with the name of a mathematician yet to be born? ...

(ORIGINALLY CALLED YÍNG ZHÈNG) (260 – 210 BCE) 1. Punching Qin Shi Huang Qin Shi Huang woke from his sleep as soon as the minimised Moti and Peter Gnome materialised in his comfortable bedroom. For a few seconds he pinched his massive arms. Still, he soon realised that his intruders had no physical presence. Otherwise, how could they have dodged the conscientious troopers guarding the entrance to his quarters? “Why do you ride on his back?” he wanted to know after he observed us critically. ...

1. Moving to Religions “Welcome back from your trip to the East,” observed Tiger as we returned. “What have you achieved?” “I punched the greatest tyrant in history and he appreciated my act.” “He must have been a smarty.” “He was!” “But you are still in pre-historic times. You know little of that period so that Eve, Herodotus and Qin Shi Huang are readily selected. How will you find appropriate nominees in periods known to you from history classes?” asked Archie. ...

(ca. 5 – ca. 64/67 CE) 1. A Chat with St. Paul Sha’ul of Tarsos – St. Paul to humanity – was surprised when we materialised in front of his eyes in Rome. “Are you real or am I seeing things?” he asked “Depends on your definition of ‘real’. We are here on a mission prescribed by Him and his advisers. But neither of us is alive,” I replied. “Are you then spirits?” ...

1. Two Interlocutory Points Paul’s departure was followed by a council of war. Archie, Moti and Tiger urged me to raise two interlocutory points with the panel. The first concerned my right to delegate the nose punching. The second was whether I could kowtow to or salute the selected person instead of delivering a punch. The panel readily agreed to the second request. They appreciated that my admiration for St. Paul rendered it difficult for me to punch him. The same type of problem could arise in respect of the remaining, chosen, individuals. ...

(58 BCE – 29CE) 1. Calling on Livia I decided to materialise during Livia’s last year on earth. The once beautiful woman, who captivated Octavius and turned him into the great Augustus, had become a decrepit old woman. Still, her commanding eyes retained their glimmer. She was aware that her appointed day was imminent but kept her natural pride and royal airs. “Are you a gladiator?” she wanted to know. “And why do you bring this tiger with you? Is he tame? Why didn’t you leave him behind, in his cage near the amphitheatre?” ...